Chaos reigns Supreme…

Sorry to all those reading for the complete lack of blogging on my part (ooeer, sounds a bit rude), but the last week seems as if the dark lord himself has cometh and done a big shit on me. Putting aside the 14 hour days, lack of sleep and of course the overwhelming smell of fish (it's not me or the missus that smells that way), the stresses of being a father-to-be have taken their toll too. Picture this if you will: Sunday night, I've been awake since 4.30 AM, moved a few hundred kilos of live fish, when Nikkie (the good wife) is suffering from stomach pains at 9 PM. Shitting bricks at this point, we both jump into the Range Rover and head, at warp speed Mr Sulu, to Leicester General Hospital to discover they haven't had an Emergemcy Room for the last ten years… Back in the car… Sterling Moss has nothing on me. Driving as fast as the V8 will carry us, we finally arrive at Leicester Royal Infirmary. Good name for a hospital, I was feeling very infirm by this point. Two hours and a good few questions later, of which I had no answers, we get the all-clear. Shaking like Mohammed Ali I now attempt to drive home. What happens I hear you ask? It snows like a bastard is what. 6 inches in two hours? Many a man would be proud of six inches for two hours… Oh dear the puns just keep on coming.

We arrive home safely in Narnia, where there's no snow. Must be the Ice Queens week off.

Still, on the plus side, I have been eating many home-baked cakes of late. Otherwise, life is still pretty damn fine. Haven't moved house yet as the toffy-nosed wankers we're renting the place from have been away skiing since god knows when.

And another thing, I hate patronising doctors… How do they expect you to be after sitting in a waiting room full of half-pissed chavs… I hate chavs too.

Balls to this, I’m leaving.

Finally managed to secure some finer lodgings and shall be moving forthwith. About two weeks actually, but it sounded better in ye olde Englisssshe.

It's taken long enough to find somewhere that the Council tax is at an acceptable rate. Not like bloody Narnia (Rutland), where you need a lordship to be able to afford a house with more than one bedroom.

We're (me and the missus) not moving too far, 6 miles in actual fact, but it does mean crossing the border back into reality, away from Aslan and all his little pixies. If you currently have no idea what I'm talking about, sorry but until you've visited this part of the world you won't truly understand the problem.

Rutland is the tiniest county in Great Britain and as such, charge an absolute fecking fortune for everything. Wankers…

Anyway, we went to look at the new place today in Rockingham. Thatched, 3 bedroom cottage. The pub's within a safe crawling distance and there's a big castle at the top of the hill… Nice.

Well, that's about all for today as I'm damn tired and have to start a fight with an arsehole from the Environment Agency tomorrow. I may explain why another time, but I just can't be bothered right now, so sod you all!

It’s a baby, or so they tell me…

Look, it’s waving!

If it’s black, it’s not mine. 

And another thing… It hates me, maybe not now, just wait til puberty.

Fat man

Me, originally uploaded by _BigAl.

This is the fat man I mentioned previously.
And another thing… I hate him too.

P.s. He’s a sweaty man.

 

And another thing… He never turns up. Arsehole.

Sorry, he did turn up.

Crow

Crow

Originally uploaded by jakethemonkey.

This is a crow, it stole my camera shortly after this was taken. I had to kill it to get it back.
And another thing… I hate birds too.

OOOO this is new…

My first blog is written with a certain amount of trepidation, as I have just been shown this by a fat man I haven’t seen in a long time. Can’t say yet whether any of this is going to be coherent, but at least it may amuse.

And another thing… I hate Americans. It’s not your fault you’re dumb.